Roger gets awfully worked up when he’s angry.   He does that on purpose.  He says he’s getting out all of his feelings.   He thinks it’s unhealthy to stuff your anger.   So, instead of trying to contain his anger, he lets it fly.  He shouts, screams, throws things, and even hits out.   He doesn’t care if people object, either. That’s their problem as far as he’s concerned, not his.

How much are you like Roger?   Do you believe:

• It’s a good idea to yell and shout when I get mad.
• It’s actually healthy to explode from time to time.
• It feels good to let it all out.
• It’s not my problem if others can’t handle my anger.

Roger believes in what’s called the myth of ventilation.  This myth has four parts:

• There’s nothing wrong with yelling/screaming when we get angry.
• A good explosion from time to time is actually healthy.
• Besides, it feels good to let it all hang out once in a while.
• It’s the other person’s problem if they can’t handle our anger.

The problem with this myth is that all four of these arguments are flawed.

There is something wrong with expressing anger by exploding.   Notice that I didn’t say being angry is wrong; what matters most is how we choose to express it.   Every time we explode, we are teaching ourselves that it’s ok to explode, and thus we’re teaching ourselves to explode even more.  We are training ourselves to lose control more and more often.   Therefore, each explosion can predict another and another.

True, it’s not healthy to stuff your anger.   Stuffing can lead to the development of headaches and stomach problems.   But exploding isn’t healthy either.  In fact, you may be killing yourself by getting too angry too often.   Angry people die years earlier on the average than calm people because of strokes, fights, and anger related accidents.

Most people don’t like the feeling of being out of control that goes with an anger explosion.  It feels bad, not good.

It’s our problem, not anyone else’s, if someone can’t handle our anger.  We’re the ones who are going to be avoided, punished, or ridiculed.  And we’re the ones who are probably going to feel stupid and guilty after we’re done exploding.   It’s not the world that has to adjust to us.   We have to learn to adjust to the world.

Have you bought into the myth of ventilation?   If so, take some time to figure which part(s) of the myth you believe, and how you’ll need to change your thinking in order to change how you behave when you’re angry.