What Is A Time Out?

A Time Out is a choice you make to leave a situation before you say or do something aggressive, damaging, or hurtful.

We’re talking adult time outs here, by the way.   There isn’t a parent telling you to go to your room, only you deciding that you better take a time out before you do or say something inappropriate.   You’re not running away, either.   Instead, you are taking responsibility by leaving temporarily so that you regain control of your body and mind.

Why Take A Time Out?

Time Out is like playing goalie in hockey or being a safety in football.   It’s your last hope, the only thing can stop an opponent who has broken through the rest of your defenses.   The opponent, though, isn’t another player.   It’s your anger.   If that anger gets past your time out, it will turn into rage.

You’ll start yelling, cussing, throwing, hitting.   And that may be when you end up getting thrown out of the game (your job, marriage, friendship, relationship) and into the penalty box (isolation, homelessness, jail).

The bottom line is this: you take a time out to protect yourself and others from your fists and your mouth.

How to Take a Time Out.

Here’s a simple memory aid that can help you take a good time out:

1. Recognize.
   
   You can’t take a time out if you don’t realize you need one.   You must recognize that you’re losing control.   Write down at least five signs that you’re losing control of your anger.   These are things that you think, say, feel, or do right before you blow.
   These signs could be things such as (but aren’t limited to):
   • You’re ready to explode.
   • You feel your chest tightening up.
   • Your voice is rising.
   • You’re pacing around the room faster and faster.
   • Your hands keep turning into fists.
   • You’re thinking something like, “I can’t take this anymore.”
   • You’re not listening to what the other person/ people are saying.
2. Retreat.
   

   Retire.   Leave.  Get out.  Believe me, this is no time to make one last point.  You may only have 30 seconds or less before you explode.   Forget your pride issues too.  Remember you’ll lose a lot more of your dignity by screaming your head off than you will by leaving before any damage is done.

   Don’t make any of these excuses to stick around when you know you should leave:

   • “I’ve got nowhere to go.”   Go anyway—walk around the block if you need to.
   • “Why should I have to leave? Why shouldn’t he (or she)?”   We’re not talking equal opportunity or long term fairness here.   The issue is safety, so get out before someone gets hurt.
   • “I’m waiting for a phone call.”   If you don’t get out now, your next call could be from the Campus Life office, your boss, or your probation officer.
   
   Here’s what to say: “I’ve got to take a time out. I’ll be back in a while, but I can’t stay right now. Bye.”
3. Relax.
   Go somewhere and do something that helps you relax. Here are some things you can do:
   • Take a long walk.
   • Read a book.
   • Drink some decaffeinated coffee.
   • Exercise.
   • Meditate.
   
   Here are some things you shouldn’t do:
   • Talk with people who will only throw fuel on the fire.
   • Watch violent movies.
   • Drink or get high.
   
   Whatever you do, you should be able to feel the anger draining out of your system.   If that isn’t happening, then you should try something else.
4. Return.

   Now comes the hardest part.  Going back to the scene of the fight/argument.   In a time out, you return only after you’ve calmed down enough to try and resolve the problem.   Don’t return expecting that the person you got so mad at will necessarily be in a good mood.   Maybe they will, maybe they won’t.

   Be prepared to handle their anger or defensiveness.   Don’t go back until you can keep your cool even if they don’t.

   This may mean you take a few days before you take the issue up with them again.   That’s ok, but you’ll need to let the person know it’s going to be a few days before you get back to them.

   This way, they’ll know that you’re not ignoring the problem or neglecting to address it.   As a general rule, however, I don’t recommend going more than 3 days before you address the conflict again.