Resident Assistants and Resident Directors face many challenges as they try to help students mediate conflicts in the dorms.  One of these challenges is what to do when the mediation process gets stuck.  We’ve got two roommates who are: glaring at each other, yelling and calling each other names, or they’re scowling at each other with arms crossed in an uncomfortable silence. Now what?

Before we can address what to do when things get stuck, it’s important to note what is happening any time people have a dispute.   The problem isn’t merely that people are disagreeing or are angry at each other.

• Someone’s needs aren’t being met, OR
• Their needs are being infringed upon in some way.

These needs, which I’ll later refer to as “unmet needs,” are typically things such as: Common Courtesy, Respect, Loyalty, Privacy/Personal Space, and Independence.

It’s a good idea to keep these types of needs in mind when we’re dealing with residents.  If we can identify which of these needs is the root of the problem, then we’ll go a long way in letting students know that they’re being heard and understood.  We’ll hold the key to resolving the conflict, and we’ll also be able to address a mediation that has gotten held up.

So how can we as RAs and RDs really know that the mediation we’re doing has been stymied?   Here are several signs to watch out for.

• The atmosphere suddenly becomes hostile.
• A party says something that shows (s)he is suspicious of or distrusts the other’s motives.
• The original reason for discussing a topic becomes unclear.
• One side introduces new issues that change the original purpose of the discussion.
• A party makes threats of negative consequences of some kind.

If we’re going to be able to get things started again and make sure the mediation is productive, we need to understand why things are getting stuck.

• Lack of interest in the other side’s proposal/offer.
• Delay tactics by one or both sides.
• Unmet needs.
• Previous record of not keeping promises.
• Fear of losing face.

With these reasons in mind, we as mediators have several options at our disposal for addressing the problem.

1. Summarize what both sides agreed on before the impasse began.
2. Explain to the other side how the current issue is so important to the party who is complaining.
3. Ask the parties to agree to disagree on the issue.
4. Raise a different issue that might be easier to resolve.
5. Ask “What If” questions and discuss the consequences of each.
6. Ask Questions to determine each party’s currently unmet needs.
7. Take a break or Reschedule the meeting.
8. Make a list of the issues the parties are currently disagreeing on.