The first step to developing assertive responses is to identify those situations that are most problematic to us.   In doing so, we must be as specific as possible about:

1. Who we have problems being assertive with.
2. When this problem occurs.
3. What happens exactly.
4. What We Fear will happen if we act assertively.
5. Our Goal, or what we’d like to see change about how we relate to and/or interact with this other person.

1. The Who: “My roommate Shelly is always eating food that’s not hers.”
2. The When and What: “It’s really irritating to come home from a long day and find that she’s eaten the leftovers I’d planned to have!   She doesn’t even replace what she’s eaten."
3. The Fear: “I’m afraid if I say anything to her about it she’ll go off the deep end, and we’ll never get past this.  She’s one of my best friends, and I don’t want to lose her.”
4. The Goal: “I wouldn’t mind our sharing food if she’d ask to, and if she’d either give me a little money or replace what she’s used.   Is that too much to ask?”