Patricia Evans describes ten different categories of verbal abuse.  Today, we’re going to explore three of them and how she recommends we respond to them.

1.  Withholding

●  is Keeping virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams to oneself.

●  Remaining silent. 

●  Maintaining an attitude of cool indifference.

Examples:

Some examples of dialogue that indicate and/or may lead to Withholding are as follows:

♦  “There’s nothing to talk about/ I don’t have anything to say.”

♦  “You wouldn’t be interested.”

♦  “ What are you talking about; I do talk to you.”

How to Respond:

Evans tells partners who are being abused in this way to tell the other person:  “I’m feeling very bored with your company.”   She stresses that it has to be said firmly and emphatically.  Then, she advises that the partner leave and go do something so that they won’t be bored.  This can be anything from taking a bubble bath to taking the kids for a swim at the neighborhood pool.

2.  Countering

● is Disagreeing constantly with the partner’s point of view.

● Prevents them from knowing what the abuser really thinks about things. 

● Keeps the partner from finishing her thoughts/feelings on subjects.

● Communicates that the partner’s feelings and experience are wrong, and that the abuser’s perception is always right.

Example:

Partner:   I thought that movie was pretty good.  I wasn’t sure I’d like it, but I really enjoyed it.

Abuser:  How can you say it was good?  It took forever for the story to get going.

Partner:  Well, I guess it was slow getting started.

Abuser:   No it wasn’t, don’t be ridiculous!  You know it had too many plots going on at the same time. 

Partner:  Maybe that’s what you thought, but I didn’t see it that way.

Abuser:   How can you say that?  Everyone knows that movie has too many subplots!

Partner:  Wait a minute.  I’m confused.  Didn’t you first say the problem was that it was slow getting started?  Now you’re saying it has too many plots.  Which one is it?  

Abuser:   I never said it was slow starting.  You twist everything I say around!

Partner:  I’m just trying to understand what you mean!

Abuser:   No, you’re not.  You always have to start a fight!

 How to Respond:

♦  “Wait a minute, stop!  Listen to me.  I said . . .” (Repeat what you said again.)

♦  “Hold it.  I’m not following you.  Would you write that down?” 

♦  “Stop countering me.”

♦  “So you say.”

Evans says we should follow up our response by disengaging from the situation by leaving the room, or going for a walk, etc.  She also reminds us that we shouldn’t try to understand what the abuser is saying. This is due to the fact that he or she is disagreeing with us because they want to control us, not because they want to be understood.

3.  Discounting

 ●  Communicates the idea that the partner’s experience isn’t important or doesn’t count.

Examples:

♦  “You’re jumping to conclusions.”

♦  “You’re blowing everything out of proportion.”

♦  “You’re just being overly emotional.”

How to Respond:

♦  “That’s your opinion.”

♦  “Stop saying that.  It doesn’t help.”

♦   “I see.”  (Here we are acknowledging the abuser’s comment, but not reacting to it.)