The authors of Crucial Confrontations tell us that one of the most common problems among couples who end up divorcing is that one spouse tried to work through issues, but the other tried to avoid issues.   If this happens once or twice, it’s not a big deal.  However, if this type of behavior becomes a pattern in any relationship, then the results can be devastating.

Therefore, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler recommend the following steps when planning our future conversation about the problem:

1. Ask if it is ok to talk about the problem, and let them know that doing so will strengthen our relationship with them.  Here, we are establishing a mutual purpose, or a common goal, for our discussion.
2. Acknowledge any complaints the other person may have about what we may be doing to force them into silence.   We need to be willing to admit that we may be doing something wrong that is contributing to the problem.   This creates a safe atmosphere in which to talk about our concerns.
3. Allow the other person to determine when and where we’ll discuss the issue.   This will help ensure that they’re ready emotionally to address it.   We won’t risk blindsiding them at a time when they might be the least prepared to deal with things.   It’s also wise to choose a time and place where neither one of us will get distracted easily nor interrupted easily.

Then, when we actually talk, Crucial Confrontations suggests that we:

• Share two or three quick examples of when we believe the other person was avoiding the issue.
• Share our tentative hypothesis as to why they might be purposely trying to escape from problem-solving discussions.
• Ask questions to figure out exactly what reasons they have for avoiding these conversations.
  

  With this in mind, here are a few questions we may want to ask:
  

      Is it because we end up arguing?
      What do you think we could do differently so that we don’t start arguing?
      What can we do to make things go more smoothly?
  
• Brainstorm together about things we can do to make sure we both feel safe holding crucial conversations.
• Keep brainstorming until we’ve found ways to remove most of the barriers.