Have you ever heard the saying You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar?   If you haven’t, I’m sure you can guess what it means.  So why then do most people keep using vinegar instead of honey in a conflict? The vinegar comes in the form of attacks, insults, threats, vague comments, and exaggerations.

These behaviors only increase the likelihood that others will react defensively.   Fortunately, there is a way to talk with people than is more like honey than vinegar.  You’ll find that people usually are much more willing to listen when we use “I” Statements.

• Tell others exactly what bothers us
• Describe how their behavior affects us
• Explain how we want them to change
• Keep our discussions clear & specific
• Stay centered and self aware during the conflict

There are two basic types of “I” Statements.   The classic “I” Statement is Feelings Oriented.   Here’s what it looks like:

1. We tell the person what they have done (or failed to do) that bothers us.
   
   “Jill, last night you said you’d come by before eleven, but you didn’t get here until 2 a.m.”
   
2. Then, we state our feelings.
   
   “I felt scared and angry.”
   
3. Finally, we tell the other person what we want.
   “I’d like you to call me if you’re going to get here later than you told me.”
   
   

   This feelings oriented “I” Statement works well whenever our feelings matter to the person we’re confronting.   That person—perhaps our partner, child, sibling, or friend probably didn’t do whatever they did just to make us feel bad.   They may be quite willing to change their behavior after they realize they’ve intentionally harmed us.

   
   
   
   Adapted from Stop the Anger Now by Ron Potter-Efron, New Harbringer Press, copyright 2001.