Conflicts in relationships can arise because one or more people are verbally abusive to each other.  With this in mind, let’s first explore what verbal abuse is.  Then, in subsequent installments, we'll explore various types of verbal abuse and how Patricia Evans recommends we respond to them.

Evans defines verbal abuse as words that attack or injure another, and cause that person to believe things that are false about themselves and/or about their situation.

Accordingly, she characterizes verbal abuse in several ways.  She says verbal abuse is:

1. Hurtful, especially when the abuser denies that he or she is doing it.
2. Attacking.  The abuser attacks the personality and abilities of the other person, often causing them to feel that they are flawed.
3. Overt or Covert.  In other words, the abuse can be obvious, through blaming, shaming, or accusing the partner.  However, the abuse can also be much more subtle, where the abuser implies negative things.  For example, a husband might imply that his wife isn’t smart or  that she is overly emotional.
4. Manipulative and Controlling.  Unfortunately, most people don’t recognize that the other person is attempting to control them.  Sometimes, however, they do see that they’re unhappy in the relationship.
5. Insidious.  This is due to the fact that the person being abused loses their self-esteem and self-confidence without noticing they’ve lost them.

Patricia Evans also identifies some common characteristics of verbal abuse:

●  It is often unpredictable.

●  It is often confusing, because of the incongruence between the abuser’s words and his behavior.

            He says he loves me, but he criticizes all of my opinions and ideas.

            He says he’s easy-going, but he stays angry and irritable most of the time. 

●  It usually escalates in frequency and leads to physical abuse.