Webster’s New World Dictionary defines discernment as: keen perception or judgment; insight.

Likewise, it describes the ability to discern as: being able to make out, perceive, or recognize something clearly.

So, when it comes to relationships, having discernment in a relationship means that one is able to, for example, see another’s motives clearly.   It also means that we recognize each person’s strengths and weaknesses (including our own), as well as needs, possibilities, and just how important that other person is to us.

Laura Davis says that if we want to figure out if it’s worth our time and energy to reconcile with someone, we need to have discernment about the relationship.  If not, our perception of the situation will likely be skewed in some way.

Davis suggests that, in order to help ourselves determine if making amends is feasible for us, we answer several key questions for ourselves.   She suggests we do the following:

1. Write down several statements that characterize the relationship.
2. List all of the complaints you have about the other person.
3. List all of your regrets about what you wish you had said or done differently with that person.
4. List the ways this estrangement is benefiting you.
5. List the ways this estrangement is hurting you.
6. Evaluate the situation by how far in the future it will impact you.
   • Is the issue that lead up to the estrangement affecting me now?
   • Will it affect me at the end of the week?
   • Will it affect me in a month? In six months?
   • Will it affect me in a year? In two years? In five years?

Let me say a few words about some of these questions.   Normally, people can benefit from an estrangement for several reasons.   They can:

• Receive sympathy from others,
• Feel safe, or maybe
• Avoid facing the real issues with that other person.

Common ways that broken relationships can hurt us:

• We become consumed with rage
• We are unable to love or trust others fully
• We allow what happened to define us.

These six questions that Davis outlines are designed to help her readers begin to understand how they might want to continue with an estranged relationship.   However, there are several other things we need to consider before choosing to pursue reconciliation with someone.   For one, we need to evaluate what role we played, if any, in contributing to the conflict.

In the meantime, if you find these questions to be challenging, consider discussing your answers with a trusted friend, relative, parent, or with a therapist or pastor.   They may be able to offer you an objective assessment of your perception of the conflict as well as whether or not reconciliation is worth pursuing.