Laura Davis' Book: I Thought We'd Never Speak Again

Chapter Two, Part 2: Building a Self: The Importance of Autonomy

Setting Boundaries When Injuries Are Unforgivable

Laura Davis says when are our hurts are deep, devastating our very souls, such as in incidents of physical, sexual, and emotional violations, the healing process will be complex and long-term. She asserts that, in these situations, attempting to reconcile before one has healed denies one essential truth about the process of healing.

The reality is this: grief and anger are as important in healing as compassion and love are. Along with this idea, Davis says that true reconciliation cannot take place until we have truly acknowledged how deeply we have been injured. Admitting to ourselves just how deeply we’ve been hurt can be challenging, not to mention extremely painful.

Remember that you don’t have to deal with this alone. Find a therapist who specializes in abuse issues and surround yourself with as many supportive friends and family as you can.

David Calof is a Seattle psychotherapist who mediates between abuse survivors and their families. The purpose of these mediations is for both parties to come to an agreement on how the parties will treat each other, or what Calof calls Terms of Engagement.

Therefore, the disputants must:

1. Approach the mediation table with equal power and resources,
2. Agree that they aren’t there to debate about who is telling the truth, but
3. Agree that they are there to figure out how to coexist peacefully in limited circumstances.

• Boundaries on touch
• Agreements that certain kinds of jokes/stories not be told
• Conditions under which children may visit with their grandparents