Laura Davis' book: I Thought We'd Never Speak Again

The Importance of Autonomy in Achieving Reconciliation

Let me begin by giving you perhaps the most important part of Laura Davis’ definition of autonomy: “loving ourselves enough to know how we want to be treated.”

Davis says that, in order to reconcile with someone, we have to know certain things about ourselves.

These things make up one’s sense of autonomy, and are:

• Who we are
• What we value
• What we believe in
• How we are the same and different from others
• Where we stop/ where others begin

Davis explains that if we as individuals develop our sense of autonomy adequately, then we’ll make ourselves into people who are no longer capable of being hurt the same way we were before. This is due to the fact that we have in effect established a boundary between ourselves and others.

Likewise, as we consider making amends with someone, it is also essential that we set limits with them as well. This can be accomplished by outlining ground rules for how we will treat our estranged friend and how they will treat us in return. Davis says these ground rules may need to be discussed outright, but not always.

Some examples of ground rules that Laura Davis includes are:

• Agreeing not to talk about past injuries and/or certain subjects
• Agreeing to time limits on phone calls and on visits
• Agreeing to meet in neutral places

When reestablishing contact with the person(s) we are in conflict with, it’s also important to identify and change old patterns of behavior so that we develop new, constructive ways of relating to each other.

I suggest that you illicit the help of trusted friends and/or a therapist in determining what behavior patterns need changing. Often, others around us will have a clearer picture of what needs to be done because being removed from the situation gives them a degree of objectivity they might not otherwise have.