Laura Davis’ book: I Thought We’d Never Speak Again

The Hallmarks of Estrangement

Davis begins the chapter by talking about the three hallmarks of estrangement with others: obsession, discomfort, and rage. She reminds us that how one is affected by estrangement is often directly proportional to how close the relationship was in the first place. Therefore, the closer we are to that person with whom we’re estranged, the greater the feelings of pain and anger will be.

Next, Laura Davis outlines several possible roots of alienation between persons:

• Having grown tired of being mistreated
• Disappointment that lingers
• A single act of betrayal
• Philosophical, political, or religious differences
• Lack of conflict-resolution skills
• Smaller infractions, such as unkept promises

For most people, it’s a matter of years before they’re either willing or able to think differently about the discord they’ve experienced in a relationship. And, as time passes, individuals change. They become more mature. Davis says maturity is what allows us to recognize the paradox that exists in any dispute: we often receive good and bad things from the ones we’re estranged from. Davis explains that understanding that even the most cruel people have good qualities is what enables us to achieve true reconciliation with others.

Furthermore, she says that Maturity also allows us to:

1. Acknowledge our own imperfections and mistakes
2. See our pain as only a small part of our lives
3. Soften our perspective of people and events

Davis finishes her discussion on maturity by asserting that we cannot force ourselves to release our resentments and find compassion for those we believe have wronged us. In short, we cannot force ourselves to mature. We have to choose to be patient and rely on the passage of time.