How Should I Confront Someone Who Has Disappointed Me?

The following is a summary of some concepts taken from Chapter 3 of the book Crucial Confrontations, McGraw-Hill Publishers, ©2005.   In this chapter, entitled Describing the Gap, authors Patterson, Grenny, McMillian, and Switzler discuss how to begin a “crucial confrontation” with someone.   They define a confrontation as a disappointment, such as:

• a Broken Promise,
• a Missed Expectation, or
• a Difference Between what you Expected and what Actually Happened.

With this in mind, these authors recommend following a certain number of steps when approaching someone about how they have disappointed us.

1. Ask for Permission.   This is all about showing others respect.   When we ask to talk about a particular topic instead of demanding an audience, we’re showing that we value their thoughts and feelings about the subject.

   Example: “Ryan, can I talk to you about something?   I’ve been having a problem with our relationship since we started hanging out together outside of class.”

2. Establish Mutual Purpose.   This means that, from the very beginning, we need to let the other person know that the main reason we’re there is because we want to try and solve the problem in our relationship.   If we’re there to complain, to ridicule, or to blow off steam, then we’re not ready to confront others.

   Example: “I’d really like to talk to you about this because I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

3. Speak in Private.   As a general rule, it’s not a good idea to bring up a conflict in front of others, whether they’re our coworkers, our children, or our peers.   Following this rule will help ensure that we don’t get distracted by anyone/anything else.   It can also help us make sure our motives are right, as we can’t be accused of trying to make the other person look bad in front of the group.
4. State the Facts.   Talk about what the other person did and about what happened as a result.   Leave out any opinions and/or assumptions about why the person behaved the way they did.   More than likely, this will prevent the other person from getting defensive.
5. Watch for Safety Problems.   When we’re discussing a dispute, we all need to feel that our perspective on the situation is valued.   Therefore, we need to watch that what we’re saying isn’t causing the other person to feel threatened in some way.   We’ll be able to tell if they’re feeling threatened because they’ll start saying things in an attempt to disprove our point of view, and/or they’ll do things that indicate they’re angry or hurt.   In this case, we’ll need to stop and reassure them that we respect their position.

   Example: “Wait a minute.   I’m not trying to get you in trouble.   I just want to understand what went wrong between us.”

6. End with a Question.   What’s implicit in this step is that we have to be willing to hear the other person’s side of the story.   As such, we have to be open to the possibility that they didn’t intend to hurt us, as we often assume.

   Example: “How do you see what happened?”