Before we can address how Patricia Evans recommends that we respond to specific types of verbal abuse, it’s important that we outline the general guidelines she gives for responding to any form of verbal abuse.  Internalizing these concepts is essential in empowering ourselves in several ways.

 In other words, adopting these ideas and making them an integral part of what we believe will enable us to:

●  Stand up for ourselves,

●  Establish appropriate boundaries with our abuser, and

●  End the relationship if doing so is warranted.

Evans’ book discusses verbal abuse mainly in the context of dating, committed, or marriage relationships.  Keep in mind, however, that verbal abuse can occur in any type of relationship, and could therefore apply to you.  Verbal abusers can be anyone: family members, peers, supervisors, coworkers, friends, or neighbors.   

General Guidelines for Responding to Verbal Abuse

1.  Recognize that any time we’re being belittled, ordered around, yelled at, etc this is abuse.  Recognize too, that verbal abuse is unfair to anyone because it undermines our basic right to be treated respectfully and therefore devastates our sense of well-being and our self-esteem.  

2.  Understand that people who abuse others verbally are doing so in an attempt to control and/or dominate us.

3.  Know that you have done nothing to cause it.  Abusers want us to think that it’s allour fault; it’s one of their main ways of having power over us.

4.  See abusers for who they really are:  those who act irrationally and immaturely.

5.  Respond to them in a way that shows you mean business and won’t tolerate any more abuse.  This means you maintain eye contact with them, hold yourself up straight, and speak with a firm tone of voice.

6.   Stay aware and in the present.  Pay attention to what you’re seeing, hearing, and how you’re feeling.